The Regenerate Web

Losing It...  (and Finding It Again)

Just dealing with the facts of a meltdown are not enough.  Last week, I had such a meltdown.  The circumstances are less relevant than the damage and subsequent damage control that such an event can cause.  

In a phone conversation with a liaison from a software consulting firm that I employ, I lost my temper.  I said things that threaten the relationship, that could make working with this person, and his firm much more difficult.  

I let the frustration, and annoyance that I had been experiencing in dealing with this group leak out in my words.  Now, when the project is in the red zone, is not the time for this.  In any case, the lack of maturity and self-control that I displayed could have had dire consequences for the project, for the company, and for my career.  

I was lucky, there was little direct damage, and the collateral damage was manageable.  The biggest consequence was my management realizing how volatile I can be when pushed past my limits.  In twenty-four years of employment I have probably only had two or three meltdowns like this.

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What can I learn from this?  How can I use this experience to diagnose risks, to identify warning signs, so that from a project perspective, I can find bombs like this before they go off.  How can I communicate to my management the conditions that I was asked to work under that allowed the bomb to form.  Where are the raw materials, the timer, the detonator?  In other words, how can I be prepared to dismantle this bomb before it goes off?

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Raw Material
Bombs require raw material or explosive - TNT, Nitro, C4, or some incendiary agent, benzene, gasoline, etc.  In this case it was the combination of two ingredients: a vendor who expressed a certain arrogance and unwillingness to work within the processes that constrain our other resources.  Even the smallest facets of their work required adaptation by any person who needed to collaborate them.  Whatever the reasons they had for doing this, it created an attitude of resentment in me, that I simply repressed and stuffed down.  It's not that that was my first response, my first response was to confront these issues, and negotiate some compromise that allowed me to get more of what I need.  That bringse me to the second ingredient: a perceived lack of control or power to change things.  My manager(s) were very sold on this firm, and I inherited the relationship when I joined the project.  As a manager, I have had varying levels of control and have had managers who were more or less prone to direct me in specific details.  I had never had a vendor with more juice with my own boss than I had before.  It was a new experience, and not terribly pleasant.  It seemed that every time I tried to bring some visibility or accountability to bear, I got thrown under a bus and the vendor was allowed to skate.  So the second ingredient could be a lack of support, or empowerment; or it could be a lack of control; or it could simply be my not asserting myself by presenting my manager with an ultimatum (I manage or you manage, but I can't manage if you wont stop managing).

The Timer
Projects have built in timers.  The schedule is always agressive, pressure builds during the project and as things slide, crushing forces converge.  As things move towards a state where it is obvious that we cannot succeed without superhuman effort there is a building of pressure that allows events, comments, or circumstances to trigger an explosion.  In this case it was the many accomodations that I and my team had made or tried to make to help this consulting vendor be successful, from pulling work back to hiring a project manager and analyst, to hiring more resources to work with their team.  The harder I worked to help them, the more they expected me to do, and the more they attempted to identify me as the excuse for their slippage.

The Detonator
Most explosive materials will not combust spontaneously, but require some initiation or detonation to start the explosion - be that electrical, chemical, or physical.  In this case it was chemical.  Consulting firm hired a new liaison who in his first week started to push expectations towards my team for work that we had agreed to do, before he was on the scene.  He didn't even know that when he pushed the button that there would be a reation.  However, when I started to get defensive, he just kept pushing the "BIG RED BUTTON".  Eventually, the detonation was effective.  

Instructions for dismantling
When I find my self in this situation, I need to make sure that I disconnect the detonator before it gets pushed repeatedly.  Take a walk.  Hang up the phone.  Tell the button pusher that you will get back to him later.  That is a quick fix, but it doesn't dismantle the bomb.  

I need to deal with the materials or the timer for that.  Behind each of these was a conflict or a confrontation that needed to happen.  Each conflict or confrontation had consequences.  I needed to take responsibility for allowing the ingredients to mix to create the combustible mixture.  By not facing up to the conflict, or confronting the situation I had allowed my own attitude to deteriorate.  I had chosen to absorb all of this into my own world, and had not taken responsibilty for it.  I allowed myself to move into the victim quadrant.  

The truth is that my issue was not with my consultant, but my management.  I needed to identify the consequences of the nature of the relationship with this vendor, and allow them to mitigate those consequences.  After all, this wasn't personal, but business.  If management was not willing to acknowledge the consequences, shame on them. Managers (like me) are paid to do the right thing; the right thing for the company, the project, and the staff.  When they make decisions that have consequences that they are unwilling to acknowledge or manage, they put the people who report to them in a trick bag.  That does not absolve me of the responsibility for staying in the bag.

As I now see it, I had several opportunities to crawl out of the bag:

1) Confront my manager with the issues - give her an opportunity to fold up the bag and move on.
2) Work through an alternate tactic or strategy that mitigates the risk - perhaps my manager feels she has no alternative.
3) Expose the risk beyond my management circle...  This is a very dangerous because the person you confide in needs to protect your confidence.  
4) Move away from the project - as a last resort, one can always simply choose to walk away.  

I actually contemplated 3 and 4 at various times, and thought that "hanging in there" was a better strategy.  I realize that I discounted numbers 1 and 2 without sufficient consideration, believing that I would not be heard or respected.  I assumed that the managers that had put me in the trick bag was unwilling to make a different decision.

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Finding It
A week later, things are different.  My managers are now aware, of how much I was stomaching and how much resentment had built up.  The vendor is now aware of how close their relationship was to being fruitless.  They have made some adjustments and somehow, more progress is being made than before, and more people are happy than before.  I don't attribute all of the change to this event.  I think that some of it was planned or working itself out before.  

I thank God that things did not turn out much worse.  This certainly could have been a career limiting event, or even a ticket to a worse position.  I also recognize that a more controlled confrontation can be very effective.  I should consider being more confrontational when things are difficult and change is required and slow in coming.